A month Of Healing, Breaking, and Failing

The funniest thing about my last blog post is that it was the day before I found out I was being cheated on.(Perhaps not even cheated on. I found out my 6 month relationship wasn't a relationship at all).I'm not gonna hold you, it was a super painful and traumatic experience.
Care to walk through the stages of grief after a break up with me?

The first week was the hardest. 
I was in denial at first. "This isn't happening" "Maybe I'm wrong"
"Maybe I did something to cause this"

I even gaslit myself into believing I didn't see what I saw,
which led into the next stage - Bargaining.
You know the "I still want to be your friend" (GAG!)
'We can grow from this" (Ewh)
"I believe/trust you" (Bitch, no you do not!)

I tried to fix something that I didn't even break!
I became depressed (the next stage).
Crying periodically during work, not eating, drinking almost every day and night if I wasn't sleeping for days in a row. I felt worthless. I felt unlovable. I felt broken.
I felt so angry.

That anger consumed me. I was angry at him for playing me like that,
but more so I was mad at myself.
I was angry at myself because I ignored the signs. I ignored what was happening in front of me because I just wanted to love so bad. I wanted to feel the love I gave to the world,
even if it was a just a slice. 

But once the red in my eyes faded and rage in my heart subsided,
I felt this this peaceful storm - Acceptance, the last stage.

What happened happened. I can't change the past, hide the truth or ignore the facts,
its done. However, within that acceptance I found my silver lining. 
I learned how strong I was for walking away and not look back.
I learned that I was asking for breadcrumbs when I deserved the whole loaf.
I learned how to never let myself get in that position again.
I learned that it's okay for someone to not be it for you.
I learned to accept my lesson and move on with grace.

Now did I want to pop up at the crib, bust windows, rant and rave on social media like a damn fool? ABSOU-FUCKING-LUTELY!! I wanted to so bad! But I knew it wouldn't have been worth it. 

These stages took me about 2.5 weeks. (Not too shabby.)
After that foggy time I did force myself into the dating pool.
I just wanted to talk to people. The isolation was driving me crazy.
I met a few ghosts. A few Dads, Grandfathers, Athletes, and criminals. 
Not so much diving in like a hopeless romantic like I have in the past but it is interesting meeting and listening to these men's story. 

Sometimes, (like today) the thought of dating just makes me so sick.
But then there's this side of me that doesn't want to give up hope. 

I believe what I want is out there, but I'm never going to have it if I quit. 

Moving forward though, I think my motto for 2023 is "Slow and Steady Wins The Race".

So here I am! A month after a break up. I am comfortably single!
Dating on the side when I feel like it, and tapping into the woman I want to be. 

There are moments I when I still feel embarrassed. Sometimes I even question myself
"Why did I even have to go through that", but honestly,
I wouldn't be writing to you today if it never did.

I probably wouldn't have gotten the chance to meet my husband if I didn't walk away. 
Who knows!

But on this journey I'm on, Slow and Steady Wins the Race! 
and my goal for this year is to enjoy every second of it.