Be The One That Ran Away

You said you were going to a best friend’s birthday dinner.
You never told me What friend?
You post on Facebook you were the only male there, which of course made me look stupid.
I tried to joke with you about it,
yet You ignored me and responded to other women.
No woman wants their man to be the only male at a party and liquor is involved.
You and your friends thinks it cute.
Instead of fighting temptation,
it’s a whole invitation
How would you feel if I went to events with all guys and liquor is involved?
How would you feel if I moved like you did today?
Okay I might have overreacted
but the facts are still the same and the lies just continue;

Why do you lean sideways when you are your phone?
What are you hiding?
You started doing this about a month ago
I tried to talk to you about it,
You told me that you don’t do that.
And then follow up with an excuse to why you do the exact thing you say you don’t do.
It was like you got defensive or took offense to having an observation.
“Talk to your therapist about it”
“Fix your energy”
“I’m not going to bed with you tonight on Xmas with your energy like that”
It made me feel like I get punished for expressing my feelings.
My feelings don’t feel safe with you.

I feel like
I’ve been putting more effort in the relationship than you.
Your friends are more important to you than me.
I feel a lot of thing at the same time. Some moments I feel like you look at me with disgust and questioning weather or not you want to be with me. What you say vs the things you sometimes the lack of actions screams the opposite.
I find myself questioning if I fell in love with potential instead of what your actions are projecting. You say all the time how you feel you don’t do enough for me.
Perhaps you were right.
​Perhaps I got comfortable with the bare minimum.
Perhaps I gave you way to much than what you really deserved.
I asked you what is your New Years resolution and you mentioned porn.
How bad is this problem?
Is it the reason why we don’t have sex often?
Are you attracted to me?
I’m hurt: I thought you was going to propose over the holidays.
Push Me Louder!

​You can’t keep punishing me for my bad moments.
Every time I slip, every time I make a mistake or something wrong I’m punished.
Whereas I give you grace and forgiveness.
I give you understanding and chances
Sometimes it feels like I get punished for having concerns or feelings that you don’t agree with. Because you don’t agree or understand how I feel makes it invalid.
How would you feel if I did that to you?

I miss you. But What's There To Miss?
Yes, I see you everyday and next to you all the time but I really miss you.
I miss the way you’d look me,
Like I was precious piece of gold to you.
I miss the way you hold my hand in the car,
Even if it’s just down the road.
I miss the way youd smile at me,
Your cheeks would touch your eyes.
I miss the way you hugged me right,
My favorite was from behind.

Now it's finally over: We broke up yesterday.
Crazy how fast it was for you to let Facebook know.
I feel so exhausted but can’t sleep. Restlessly tossing and turning in emptiness and memories.
Like how the last 365 days was gone within a flash of an eye.

It’s been 3 days and today I was weak and texted you.
When would you like to meet and talk?
Why should I talk to you?
After reading my prior writing, we was done before we ended and I held on and settled for a fraction of you while you gave it away to someone else.
I do deserve better.
But the pain keeps going in waves.
The Crying Comes and goes like how the ocean kisses the land.
You left just as fast as you came,
and I'm back to where I was: Unsatisfied and Untamed. ​